Friday, December 3, 2010

This pregnancy is rough, plain and simple. Each ob appointment has me nervous and sweating, just waiting for more bad news. I came across this today and feel inspired, the Lord will get us through all this and things will be okay.

Counselors can comfort you in the storm,
but you need a God who can still the storm
Philosophers can debate the meaning of life,
but you need a lord that can declare the meaning of life.

God promises a lamp unto our feet,
not a crystal ball into our future.

Jesus doesn't give hope by changing the circumstances;
he restores our hope by giving us himself.
And he has promised to stay until the very end.

Don't measure the size of a mountain;
talk to the One that can move it

God never said that the journey would be easy,
but he did say the arrival would be worth while.

-Max Lucado

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I will remember you...






I have experienced loss multiple times during my 23years here. No loss so far has hit me this hard. My great grandmother passed away this past weekend. She was an amazingly strong and stoic woman. She had been a great role model for me in many aspects, but mostly she showed me unconditional love which I will always be greatful for. I know how lucky I am that my children have been able to meet their great-great grandmother. I will always keep her memory alive by telling my children all the great things about her.


As a kid I use to sit in Church with my Great grandma and my grandma moore and listen to the Pastor ramble on for what seemed like hours. There was nothing to do, and I had no idea at the time what the Pastor was talking about,so I would sit and rub the wrinkles on her hands. Always trying to smooth out the age on her soft fair skin. She sang in the Church choir which helped me with my love for God and music. Now as I think back on my time with her I am comforted by these Bible passages she had marked in her own Bible.


The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 48:14


He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and it's evils are gone forever. Revelation 21:4

Friday, November 12, 2010

Just say Thank You


We spend a lot of time teaching our children manners. Saying please, thank you and excuse me are just a few of the things I remind my boys to say almost daily. I find it disturbing that so many adults lack simple manners. How often do we do nice things for our friends and they forget to say two simple words? I don't expect anything from my friends, because the majority of them are not the kind of people you can depend on. So for the few friends I have the are always there to help and do more than just take take take.... I have decided to do a little special something for them this holiday season. I want to send them a little extra something with a thank you card to let them know that I really appreciate their friendship. It always makes me feel good to know that I have those couple friends that do worry about how I am doing, and how our boys are. The kind of friends that listen intently when I talk and truely care about what is going on in my life. There is just never enough ways to say thank you to them.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Baby Maker

A few posts ago I was against having another child. Well I'm 16weeks preggo with our third now. This pregnancy has been rough so far, to say the least. I have so much pressure on me to have a little girl, but to be honest the chances of that are slim. My morning sickness has gone well into the second trimester now. The only way I'm keeping anything down is with the help of medicine. Then I get a call from my doctors office letting me know my lab results were back. I have hypothyroidism and have to take synthoid once a day. My thyroid is underactive and is not making enough thyroxine. Synthroid is suppose to be a replacement for the hormones that my body isn't naturally making. I've been looking at symptoms for hypothyroidism, I thought everything I was feeling was because of the pregnancy. My husband is worried about how this will all effect me. Right now I'm just trying to be patient and learn as much as I can about this disease and how to live with it.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

"The Silent Ranks"

This seems to be a recurring topic among military spouses, whether or not we are the silent rank. This poem, while very beautiful, does not make me feel like I carry any right to his rank.

The Silent Ranks
I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders
Salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live.

I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one that does,
this I cannot forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon
who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough, I'm the one that's left behind.

My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
and the call to serve his country, not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed
to keep this country free
My husband makes this sacrifice
but so do our kids and me.

I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks
known as the military wife.



I am very proud of my husband and every thing he has and will do for our service men and women and for our country. He fought hard through a very serious medical condition to stay in the Navy. He wants nothing more than to deploy, save lives, be come an officer and continue saving lives until he is old and gray. I am a proud military wife, and yes that is a huge part of who I am...but it is not all that I am.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Alternative to Mainstream Parenting

Most of the people that read this know that I'm not the normal parent. I want my children to have a real childhood and to grow up in a stable and complete home. When I was a child, the environment was not ideal. My mother did the best she could for being basically a single parent my entire life. She had no choice but to work so there wasn't always someone home when school let out. I was told I could talk to her about anything, but I was always afraid of her anger so I didn't use her as a confidant. Instead I hid things and snuck around to do what I wanted. I want to be able to have open lines of communication with my children. I want to be home when my kids are, take them places, cook for them and teach them as much as I can about the world.

Back to the main point of this... I do things with my children that some people think is crazy or weird. But it works for us, and I have two very smart happy children. I breastfeed, I don't let them "cry it out", I read to them every day, I don't force bedtime or naptime, I try to feed the boys as much organic and local food as possible, I'm now rear facing, I refuse to put Carter in a booster seat for another couple years, I'd like to homeschool both boys and I spank when warranted. I recently joined a group for alternative parenting and they had compiled this list of 101 things to do instead of yelling or spanking your kids. I'm gonna share it here, some of them seem a little silly but I'm going to be trying things from this list and gentle discipline.

1.Take a parental time-out.
2.Call for help from a friend or family member (ask them to give you an immediate break if possible).
3.Pile everyone in the car and drive to the park (or anywhere – just go for a change of scenery).
4.Sing a silly song about how angry you are.
5.Do jumping jacks.
6.Draw your feelings out.
7.Make yourself your favorite snack.
8.Write down 3 instances when you felt intense love for your child.
9.Clean out your clothes closet and set aside a bag for Goodwill (now would probably not be a good time to do this with the kids’ toys).
10.Change the subject – come back to it when you and your child are calmer.
11.Whisper.
12.Practice progressive relaxation.
13.Act like animals: stomp like an elephant, growl like a lion, etc.
14.Run around the house (or around the block if your children have alternate childcare).
15.Do a load of laundry.
16.Set out clothes for the kids for the next week (or do some other task that will pay off later).
17.Release tension: shake your shoulders, roll your neck, etc.
18.Count to 100. Out loud. In a robot voice.
19.Immerse yourself in an easy craft project.
20.Dust off the hedge clippers and trim your trees or other landscaping.
21.If your child allows it, give him a huge hug and tell him you love him.
22.Scream into a pillow.
23.Bake cookies (with help from your child), bring some to a neighbor or your local fire department.
24.Dance to your favorite song.
25.Instead of yelling at your kids to do something, act out your request in a game of charades or pictionary.
26.Pluck your eyebrows.
27.Clean out the refrigerator.
28.Bang your head – to some loud music.
29.Write down the angry words you could have said, then rip the paper up and throw it away.
30.Do some yoga.
31.Rearrange the furniture.
32.Make a list of the many reasons you love your child.
33.Wash the car by hand.
34.Laugh in as many different ways as you can think of (think Mary Poppins).
35.Take everyone and go sit in a car wash. Choose the option for colored soap.
36.Chocolate.
37.Call a friend who supports gentle discipline (think about finding a “gentle discipline partner” who you can talk to anytime you feel the urge to yell or spank).
38.Fall down theatrically on the floor. Lie there long enough to collect yourself.
39.Pay bills.
40.Keep a roll of tape handy – use it on your mouth.
41.Squeeze a stress ball.
42.Recite multiplication tables.
43.Stand as silent and still as possible.
44.Paint your nails.
45.Do 25 sit-ups.
46.Finish a task you’ve been putting off.
47.Listen to an audio book.
48.Take a bubble bath.
49.Ask a silly question. Ask another.
50.Take a walk around your neighborhood or a park and clean up the trash.
51.Run up and down the stairs.
52.Paint on different mediums (paper, rocks, your windows, etc.).
53.Write a story using only 100 words.
54.Cook a meal for the freezer.
55.Look at pictures of your child when she was a baby.
56.Play Solitaire (or whatever game strikes your fancy).
57.Brew some of your favorite tea or coffee. Have a tea party.
58.Sweep, vacuum, or mop.
59.Learn something new online.
60.Play with Playdough or clay.
61.Put a movie on for the kids; have sex with your partner.
62.Take a shower.
63.Organize meal plans for the next week. Or month. Or year
64.Set up an obstacle course for you and your kids to do (inside or out).
65.Instead of shouting something angrily, shout “I love you!!”
66.Make up a rhyme about how much you love your child. Recite it while standing on your head.
67.Play ball (basketball, throw a tennis ball against a wall, play catch with someone, etc.).
68.Take artsy pictures.
69.Make a PostSecret postcard.
70.Pull weeds.
71.Decoupage something.
72.Blow bubbles.
73.Make a list of “things I would rather do than engage in power struggles with my child.”
74.Trade roles with your child: pretend you are the little, and she is the adult.
75.Reorganize a closet or cabinet.
76.Roll around on an exercise ball.
77.Make bread or pizza dough (the kind you have to knead).
78.Form a drum circle: everyone grab a drum or a pot, and start playing.
79.Build a tower out of books (or anything handy). Knock it down.
80.Gather the kids for a nature walk around the block.
81.Have a few funny videos saved on YouTube to watch when you need a break.
82.Take silly pictures of yourself. Invite your child to help.
83.Ask your Facebook or Twitter friends to tell you a joke.
84.Scrub the shower.
85.Write a poem (it doesn’t have to be a good one).
86.Send postcards to random people.
87.Make a silly (and unrelated) announcement. (“For the rest of the day, everyone must hop on one foot when moving about the house!”)
88.Make funny faces. Tell your child that no matter what, they must not laugh.
89.Turn on a videocamera. Turn the opportunity into one of love and connection that you can be proud of later.
90.Play an instrument.
91.Take the family to a park with sidewalk chalk: write/draw inspirational messages/pictures.
92.Learn how to say a few words in another language (ASL, Spanish, etc.).
93.Floss.
94.Jump rope.
95.Do something nice for someone else. (Involve your child if he wants to help.)
96.Write your feelings down on paper.
97.Meditate or pray.
98.Hug your child’s teddy bear or doll and talk about how much you love your child (while your child is watching, if you’d like).
99.Look into a mirror and realize what your child is seeing when you are angry.
100.Remember your child is young, and innocent, and loves you, and needs to trust you.
101.Take a minute to calm down and breastfeed your child. (It’s hard to be angry at a child who is nursing, plus the act of breastfeeding releases hormones that will help calm both of you down.)


Everyone should educate themselves on their parenting choices, and make the best choice for their family...and that is exactly what I'm doing.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Loneliness

Being a stay at home mother can get rather lonely. I often find that I'm talking to myself through out most of the day. I keep the kids occupied with games, playing outside,practicing letters and numbers, coloring and teaching them to bake. But their attention spands are only so long. After about 10 minutes they are up and running around and I'm happy to run around with them. Lately, Carter has been telling me to get out of his room or that he wants to play with just Gavin. So I sit alone trying to distract myself with techonology. The computer, video games, television....I can spend countless hours just doing nothing. It amazes me how exhausted I feel at the end of the day, but how much did I really accomplish? Sure I did some cleaning, and I feed the kids and keep them safe and happy. Is that all that I can be doing? I'm longing for a project or some kind of mid week activity that can occupy my time until the weekend comes.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Update for the previous posting

Today I read that the woman,Shaquan Duley, suffocated her two boys before she pushed the car into the water. I just cannot imagine how anything could be so bad that would make that an option. Sure being a mother can be hard, and I'm sure she had it extremely rough. These children had no blame in the mothers hardship. They were just innocent children that deserved so much more. I hope this woman rots in jail.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Heaven welcomes two more

I read in the news today about the poor little boys that died in a Sc river still strapped into their car seats. The mother left the scene but says it was an accident. How could anyone leave their children in the car like that? I would have been fighting to get them out of their seats with every breath that I had. When it comes to my boys there is nothing I wouldn't give up to see them happy and healthy. I would lay down my own life for them without a second thought about it. All mothers have a bond with their children, how could you walk away from that? Tonight I'll be praying for the Duley brothers and their family. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_sc_toddlers_drown

The Light Wraps You by Pablo Neruda
The light wraps you in its mortal flame.
Abstracted pale mourner, standing that way
against the old propellers of the twighlight
that revolves around you.

Speechless, my friend,
alone in the loneliness of this hour of the dead
and filled with the lives of fire,
pure heir of the ruined day.

A bough of fruit falls from the sun on your dark garment.
The great roots of night
grow suddenly from your soul,
and the things that hide in you come out again
so that a blue and palled people
your newly born, takes nourishment.

Oh magnificent and fecund and magnetic slave
of the circle that moves in turn through black and gold:
rise, lead and possess a creation
so rich in life that its flowers perish
and it is full of sadness.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Irritation of the Day~july 20

Irritation of the Day:People that like to one up everyone else's experiences. I notice this mostly a couple of the women I hang around. They always have had something similar or worse happen to them and their stories change a little each time they tell it....Pathetic.

I'm completely addicted to the housewives shows on bravo. Jersey, New York, Orange County, Atlanta, all of them. Tonight I'm watching the new episode where Danielle plays all victim to the encounter she had with Teresa. It's interesting how we all seem to know at least one crazy person like Danielle. I have a friend here that is very much crazy like Danielle. One of my reasons I don't end the friendship is so that I don't have to deal with any crazy fallout drama. I like to have that tight circle of female friends. But will we all end up crazy like these women when we're their ages? yikes I hope not.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Just a day, just an ordinary day

I'm going out today to get some pencils and sketching paper. I've got all these ideas for photo shoots that I want to do and I want to get them drawn before I start them. Now I've just got to find one of my friends brave enough to pose through all my crazy ideas.

Wish me luck.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Christians don't judge

http://www.equalrights4all.org/religious/bible.htm

Finally found it! I've been searching for information on what the Bible says about marijuana use. I like many Americans enjoy the sensations from marijuana use. This doesn't mean I'm an addict or a bad person. I'm not hurting anyone when I smoke. My kids never see, hear or smell it. It's never around them. I use it like some use a glass of wine, like a night cap. I'm a much more relaxed and happy person when I know I can take a little time to myself at night and smoke.

Baby fever...nope not me

I love my boys. I love how small their hands are and how soft and fragile they are in my palm. I love to brush their hair and pick out cute clothes for them. I love to read their favorite stories over and over to them. I love taking walks with them hand in hand. I love when they fall asleep beside me and I can hear their little snores. There are so many reasons to want children. To be able to give and get love unconditionally is an amazing gift.

As much as I love my boys, I also see the hardships of having children. Worrying about them almost every second of the day. Protecting without over protecting. Balancing being a parent vs being their friend. The cost of all their needs and wants. Loss of sleep and alone time and time with other children.

Again I love my two boys, I wouldn't trade them for anything anyone could offer me. But the decision to have another child is one that I am not taking lightly. I'm doing everything in my power to avoid a pregnancy right now, the natural way of course. I'm just not ready to give anymore of myself to another child. Wow now that I wrote that it seems a bit selfish. Selfish or not, it's the truth.

It won't be like this for long

I can never change the past. So why is it that I spend so much time dwelling on it?

I'm happy right now, in this moment, in the last few moments actually. I'm starting to see that I have control over this. I have the control to make myself happy. And I'm enforcing it.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Even when I dream of you, the sweetest dreams will never do.

Things I've found profoundly amazing today:

The comfort found in sitting around talking with a good friend.
Just letting loose and crying, not just any crying but really letting lose and crying.
Resting my head on the back of my son, closing my eyes and listening to the soft and ever so rythmic pattern of his heart beat.
Silence.


The 20th will mark 7 years since the worst two weeks of my life. I completely fell apart during that time. Only 16 and all alone, there was no one I thought would ever understand. No one I could really trust to help me, to get me help. I was embarressed and my heart felt like it had been churned in a blender. Every part of me was stripped away and I lost control. School was the last thing on my mind. I signed my mothers name on sick notes so I could spend my time getting high. I was terrified to stay at school, I didn't want to run into him. I didn't want him to see the shame and scars that would never heal. I gave up everything I believed in, let God out of my life and endured the worst event in the world so that I could keep moving.

I'm 23 now and I still being haunted by this. I allow myself to only fall apart during March. Most of the year I just push past any lingering flashbacks. This year however, it just isn't as easy. I cry almost all morning until my children wake up. Any extra burden breaks me down and I start crying all over again. Some day I would love to wake up at the end of March and realized I hadn't grieved or even thought about those days.

God,
Thank you for all the blessing you have given me. I'm so glad that you entered my life shortly after I thought my life would never be good again.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Is this it?

As a young teen, I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. None of it involved marriage or kids. As we all know, my life has turned out very different from what I expected. I'm a mother to two painfully gorgeous children and a devoted military wife to the most reliable, loving, intelligent, compassionate man. But I won't gush :). This is not all that I am, at least I don't think it is.

Many of my friends have tons of career asperations, however,very few of them are actually trying to acheive their goals. I have no idea what it is that I want to do with my life. I know that it is important for me to be home with my children. Even when they are older I want to be home when they get out of school. I want to have the flexability to be able to drop whatever I am doing and pick them up, take them out or whatever it is that they need. My major in school is business managment, I do not think this will lead me to a job where I would be able to do that. I don't mean that I want to stay at home all day everyday. I do want to do something, it just has to be the right something and at the right time for myself and my family.

Yesterday, I felt something change. I've always enjoyed taking photographs and then editing them. It's theraputic and immensly calming to take someone's photo's then to sit down and make the photo speak. Remember that wonderful husband I was talking about? Well for my birthday he got me the most amazing gift, a fancy new camera, one that I'd been coveting for awhile now. Included with the camera was editing software & a tripod. I've made some money before, doing shoots for people in our community, but I never thought of it as more than just a hobby. Husband and I have always talked about owning our own business some day....and now I think we know what it will be. A small photography studio, we'll run it ourselves.. I'll photograph & edit while he takes care of the paperwork and advertising, of course he's still planning on spending more than half his life in the Navy so most of the time I'll have to bear most of the work. But my degree will aid me in that department, and it won't be for a long while so we have plenty of time to prepare.

I really think I've found my something here...lets hope I don't get overwhelmed and quit like I usually do.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Forgiveness

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. ( Matthew 6:12, 14-15)

Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. (Luke 17:3)


I've been thinking alot lately about my being able to forgive as a Christian.These passages are giving me conflicting feelings on forgiveness. One is saying my forgiveness should be conditional and the other says I must forgive to be forgiven.

There are some things I would like to forgive people for but I'm having a hard time finding the strength to. I've been struggling with this for years and I'm hoping God will help me find some clarity on this soon.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I'm not just a mother

I created my first blog to update friends and family about what is happening in our lives since we are so far away from home. This blog is not about that. This blog is about all the things I think about, kids, politics, friends,career and whatever happens to be going through my mind. If you can't handle my honesty then read no further.

I'm planning to blog here pretty much every day. I enjoy reading other's blogs and leaving comments so if you see a good one send me the link! I need something that is all my own and I think this will fill that void.