Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Even when I dream of you, the sweetest dreams will never do.

Things I've found profoundly amazing today:

The comfort found in sitting around talking with a good friend.
Just letting loose and crying, not just any crying but really letting lose and crying.
Resting my head on the back of my son, closing my eyes and listening to the soft and ever so rythmic pattern of his heart beat.

The 20th will mark 7 years since the worst two weeks of my life. I completely fell apart during that time. Only 16 and all alone, there was no one I thought would ever understand. No one I could really trust to help me, to get me help. I was embarressed and my heart felt like it had been churned in a blender. Every part of me was stripped away and I lost control. School was the last thing on my mind. I signed my mothers name on sick notes so I could spend my time getting high. I was terrified to stay at school, I didn't want to run into him. I didn't want him to see the shame and scars that would never heal. I gave up everything I believed in, let God out of my life and endured the worst event in the world so that I could keep moving.

I'm 23 now and I still being haunted by this. I allow myself to only fall apart during March. Most of the year I just push past any lingering flashbacks. This year however, it just isn't as easy. I cry almost all morning until my children wake up. Any extra burden breaks me down and I start crying all over again. Some day I would love to wake up at the end of March and realized I hadn't grieved or even thought about those days.

Thank you for all the blessing you have given me. I'm so glad that you entered my life shortly after I thought my life would never be good again.

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